I'm back!

I have been MIA from my blog lately...sorry!  I LOVE to blog/vent (I see them as one in the same sometimes) about my infertility.  It is a place where I can write my feelings and not worry about upsetting anybody or offending someone.  I can come here and write about what I need to but am not ready to share with friends and family.  Well, this cycle has been different for me.  Emotionally I feel GREAT!  I think I know why...

When we first started out on our infertility journey I didn't want to tell anybody, except those closest to me.  I'm not sure why, but I just didn't want other people to know that I was having trouble getting pregnant.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, scared, and lots and lots of other hormonal things ;)  I remember when Clint told me that he had shared our struggles with one of his best friends.  I was soooo mad at Clint, so mad.  BUT, just like I needed to tell my mom, my sister, my cousin, and my best friend, he needed to also. 

Eventually I shared it with my co-workers.  I was going to sooo many appointments sooo frequently that they were worried about me.  They have been so supportive, and so flexible with me.  I am blessed to work with such amazing people.  At that point in our journey I was frustrated and ready to see a different Dr.  That is when a co-worker of mine told me that one of her friends, daughter went through something similar and now has 2 children.  She asked me if I wanted her to mention this to Mary and see where her daughter had gone.  I immediately said YES!!!  That is how I found our miracle Dr.  2 cycles with him and I was pregnant with Nolan.  I realized, had I not shared my struggles I would have never opened that door to find him.  Had, Beth, Mary's daughter not been willing to share her story with me things would have been sooo different.  I honestly don't know where we would be at today.

After of that I became much more open about everything I was going through.  I loved talking about it with people, asking questions, and sharing stories.  Once I became pregnant, I wanted to talk about it even more.  I was proof to other people that miracles are possible. 

So last cycle, well actually 2 cycles ago, I just finished another cycle and I am in the middle of the 2 week waiting period...eek....  Anyways, last cycle I continued to share where I was at how things were going with more than just my closest family and friends.  I was such a wreck the entire cycle.  I mean I have NEVER been that way, EVER!  While I was doing all the shots and counting everything, I was beyond upset, I was at my true bottom.  I don't know that I had ever been where I was at before.  Even right after I lost, Nolan.  However, I know I am not done grieving, and honestly I think when I am mid cycle most of my pain and anger is grief combined with the frustration.

I would be having an okay day and then somebody at work would ask if I had to have a shot today or how much longer til I knew if it worked, I would loose it.  I would sit at my desk and fight back tears and try to hold in all in.  I couldn't handle other people bringing the subject up to me.  So I have been handling this cycle much differently.  I have not shared really anything about where I am at with anybody except my closest family.  No friends, no coworkers, not anybody.  And I feel AMAZING!!!!!!  I know everybody only asks because they care about me and they want exactly what I want.  But for my sanity not talking about it all of the time and focusing on other things when I don't have to focus on infertility, has been emotional medicine. 

I have not broken down once during this cycle.  I gave my self injections for 9 days in a row, and I did it like a champ!  I didn't get all nervous and emotional in the car on our way to appointments, Clint and I enjoyed the time together and made the best of it.  Just for the record my uterine lining last month was 6 this month it is 9!!!!!! They like it to be at least 8.  Last cycle I had one follicle that was 18 this month I had 3 (18, 21, 22) they like them to be at least 18!!!!  I don't really have any gut feelings if it worked yet or not.  April 7th, testing day, will be here before we know it.  Prayers welcome!!!

Glad to be back at blogging!!!

On the road again...

Today is cycle Day 4.  The part of every cycle where I get my hopes WAY up that this just might be the time.  I hope this time those feelings are right;)

We went for an ultrasound today.  Dr. said everything looked good, no residual follicles.  I will take Femara today through Monday.  Then Tuesday I will start Menopur.  This is a different injection that we did last cycle.  Dr. S also increased my dose on the injections for 2 of the 4 days I take them.  I will alternate between 150 IU's and 75 IU's.  We go back a week from Saturday, day 13.

Our appointment lasted a lot longer today than normal.  This injection is given a little different than the last ones so I had to go through all the "teaching".  We also talked about doing another HSG, Hysterosalpingogram.  Ugh.  I had one done a year ago, the same cycle that I got pregnant.  Everything looked normal from that test.  This new Dr. said it can be repeated every year or 2.  We decided to do one more cycle and if it is unsuccessful, next time around we will do another HSG.  Obviously, I pray this cycle works.  I want more than anything to be pregnant.  I will do whatever I need to get there, but I would LOVE to not have another HSG, talk about painful!!!  Anybody who has ever had one would agree with me that they are VERY unpleasant. 

Time well tell.  For now, pills, shots, and then, well you know what comes next!  Then the waiting...  we should know by the first part of April if this works!  By then I will be 27, tear!  Another birthday, another year past with out a baby.  Hope I never have to say that again!!!

Back to work tomorrow, but its Friday!!!  We are so looking forward to the weekend!

Love,
Kari

Sooooo Good ;)

So a couple nights ago, I made homemade pizza for dindin.  And...it was yum!  A co-worker was telling me about these Mama Mary's ready made crust.  Have you tried them?  So amazing.  Here is the ones I used:

It comes with 2 crusts and it was only like $3!!!  So I made one with just pepperoni...cuz, um, you can never go wrong with a pepperoni pizza, right?

The other pizza was shrimp, tomato, and basil.  I'm not usually this experimental with pizza.  I thought for sure Clint would say something like, "What the hell kind of pizza is that?"  Yes, that is something he would say ;)  But he liked the shrimp pizza better than the pepperoni one.  I did too!

I will for sure be buying these crusts again.  They were so good and I can't wait to try other fun toppings on them!!!

Love,
Kari

Still Waiting on 2 Pink Lines

Well, I did it.  I bought another box of pregnancy tests last Thursday after work.  I was still in no hurry to test, but I had to go to the store and I didn't know if I would be back again before the weekend.  I got home and put everything away, made supper, got a bunch of stuff done at home.  Never thinking about the box of tests. 

Until, it was time to go to bed.  I was brushing my teeth and washing my face and that cupboard where the box was just kept catching my attention.  So I tested.  Hubby was in the living room watching TV and I didn't even tell him I was going to test.  SO not like me.  We ALWAYS do it together, he ALWAYS reads the result to me.  I think he feels like he can protect me if he tells me. 

After I did it I was soooo scared to look at the results.  I switched a load of laundry and got a glass of water.  Then I went back in and looked.  I already knew what it was going to say.  It said the same thing it always says, not pregnant.  I calmly, yes calmly, took it out and showed Clint.  First he couldn't believe I had done it secretly.  Next he says, you okay, Babe?  Please don't worry, things will work out.  Nolan will help us.

I didn't even cry, I'm not sad about it.  I am mad.  There are 2 things that immediately pop into my head every time I take a negative test.  First I get very angry that I was pregnant with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy and that I had to loose him at 24 weeks, we were over half way there!!!  Second I just get mad that this is soooo hard for me and that it is soooo easy for everybody else.  I know not everybody, but it seams like it on days like that.  When is it my turn?  When will I get to bring a baby home.  When will I get to give my husband the most precious gift that he too wants soooo bad. 

I try and remember how blessed I really am.  I have the best husband in the entire world, we are happy, really happy together.  We both have great jobs.  We have tons of friends, and we both have wonderful families.  We have the most adorable, love bug, of a puppy - who makes us laugh everyday.  Our lives are full of many blessings.  We know that.  But there is that little piece that is missing.  Going through infertility controls your life.  Counting your days, taking meds, getting ultrasounds, giving injections, more ultrasounds, timing sex, then waiting on those 2 pink lines.  It makes it really easy to constantly remember that little piece that is missing.

I still haven't started my period, when I do we will call our Dr.  It will be Day 1 of another cycle.  Another attempt at getting what we want...maybe next time there will be 2 pink lines ;)

Love,
Kari

Error?!?! What?!?!

Coming to you straight from the lunch room at work today folks.  So ya know I was having some anxiety about taking that pregnancy test on Tuesday morning.  I just couldn't decide if I wanted to do it or if I should wait. 

Well, Tuesday morning I decided to do it.  The last cycle we did, which with all the switching doctors crap thing, was a few months ago.  I had bought the digital tests, Clear Blue Easy, to be exact.  It was a box of 2, and I had used one of them up.  So I got out the other digital test.  Did my thing...and hubby... who always looks at the result first waited, and waited, and waited.  He started at the test, then he stared at me, all awkward like.  The window said, Book Error.  Seriously?  All that anxiety and that?  No more testers in the house, we live a half hour from town, and work started in a little less than an hour. 

So I went and bought another test on my lunch hour, right?  Nope.  After work?  Nope.  Yesterday?  Nope.  I'm completely calm about it to...weird.  Weird to me, and weird to all who are close enough to me to know what is going on.  They are all dying to no the answer.  Hubby and I?  Well for all we care the test didn't say, Not Pregnant. 

Since I quit taking birth control, which was 2 years ago last January, I have had one "natural" period.  One non induced period.  That period was 6 weeks after delivering our Nolan.  So, you see, I do not know when I am "late".  I did not take my HCG trigger shot until day 16.  So, I think if by this weekend, still no period I will take a test.  In the meantime, ya'll will just have to wait.  I think this waiting this is harder on my sister than it is on me. 

Clint calls me at work like every 2 hours, and says this exact thing every time:
Hi, babe, did you get your period yet?
I say, No.
He says, Good Job...like I have some kind of control over that?
I laugh, he says I love you, I say the same, he tells me he will check in with me in a while!  HA!




On another note, I'm wwaayy glad tomorrow is Friday!  We are going for supper with some great friends after work and we are both looking forward to that.  I'm praying the ice that is in the forecast for us does not come.  Happy Thursday everybody!  Please Sis ignore any grammatical or spelling errors, my lunch hour is up!


Love,
Kari