Tiny, Precious, Little Feet

I'm missing this little guy like crazy.  Oh how I wish things would have been different.  How can I miss somebody so much, that I never knew?  Honestly, I feel like my life will never be complete.  Even someday when we have another baby, there will always be somebody missing.

I look at his feet, they are sooo perfect, everything about him was perfect.  He was growing just as he should, he measured just as he should.  So why did his cord have to twist?  It twisted so tightly it basically cut off all of his oxygen supply.  Our Dr. who has delivered 10,000 + babies had only see this happen a handful of times.  Why him?  Why do we have to struggle with infertility?  Why did we have to spend $8,000 to become pregnant?  Why did I have to be in labor for 22 hours to deliever an angel?  Why does it seem like everybody around us has a baby(s) but we have to go to the cemetary to visit ours?  Why do we still have to struggle with infertility?  These are just a few things I can't seem to quit thinking about.

Our new Dr. told us we could test tomorrow... I don't think I am ready.  Weird?!?!  I just don't want to.  I was all excited earlier tonight but I just want to wait a few more days.  In past cycles we have always been told to wait 2 1/2 weeks after our trigger shot, well tomorrow is only 2 weeks.  I just am scared to death to see that "Not Pregnant" sign staring me in the face.  I don't really have any symptoms and I just don't have that feeling.

How much longer do we have to be on this journey?  Is there a reason why we are going through all of this?  I know there are no answers to all of these questions, but they eat at me all the time.  It feels good to type them instead of just thinking about them.

Sometimes I listen to this song.  My sister helped me pick it out for Nolan's funeral.  Sometimes it makes me sad to hear it and other times it brings me a little bit of piece.  As soon as I hear the music and can picture everything from that day.  I can feel the quiet breeze and few little raindrops that fell.  I can see his tiny casket with a blue cross and roses.  I can see the blue and yellow daisys next to his casket.  I can see the blue balloons our friends and family released.... I feel close to my little Nolan.  It is a perfect song, truer than true. 

Trigger, BABY, Trigger...

Hope you all had a wonderful Valentines Day.  We did, even though part of it was spent at our fertility clinic.  We got an awesome report from our ultrasound.  Our Dr. said, "This looks like a perfect cycle!"  Whew!  Now if everything else will go perfectly too.
We had done Repronex injections for 4 days in a row.  I reacted terrible at the injection sites.  No lie, it looks like somebody punched me in the gut 4 times.  After the ultrasound Dr. S wanted to do one more injection, just to help the lining come along a little bit further.  Today we did my HCG trigger shot...let the fun begin...;)
2 weeks from today we will know the results of this cycle.  The waiting will the long and hard but we are praying for 2 little pink lines!
P.S.  After our appointment we stopped at an amazing restaurant for a nice Valentine's Day dinner.  I had broiled fish, scallops, and shrimp.  O.M.G they were sooo delicious.  I had tons left over and was looking forward to having it for lunch today.  Well, when we got home I set my doggy bag on the kitchen counter...and that is where is stayed all night.  So, my MIL's barn cats feasted on my broiled seafood platter today, dang it!

Nervous, Achy Heart of Mine...

Oh...I have TOO many emotions going through this hormonally challenged body of mine.  Thank you, PCOS.

It's day 11 of our first cycle with our new Dr.  Had my first shot today.  Another one tomorrow, then Saturday, and Sunday too.  Gosh, this infertility stuff is fun:(  Then back for another ultrasound on Valentine's Day.  What a way to spend Valentine's day.  Ya know, I never, ever dreamed that I would be spending my Valentine's Day with my husband at a fertility clinic. 

I thought I was going to have 2 valentine's this year.  I guess I do, just one is in Heaven. 

Anyway...I am, emotionally, at the same spot I am every cycle.  I always tell myself not to get my hopes up.  But honestly, how can you not?!  I mean it consumes EVERY part of your life.  I am constantly counting my days, taking meds, getting shots, hell my Dr. even tells me when I can and cannot have sex with my husband.  Damn it!  Too personal?  Sorry.  There is no stopping it, I get my hopes up. 

Then I get scared and nervous about what is going to happen if/when I find out I am not pregnant.  That let down was awful before I lost, Nolan.  But now, finding out is a whole different story.  It brings all my grief right to the surface.  Not that it is all too far away from the surface anyway.  I just can't stand this?!?!?!  I HATE INFERTILITY.  I can't even explain the emotional stress and anger it causes.  I guess maybe it is okay to get my hopes up?  Think positive, right?  I just wish I could fast forward to 3 weeks from now.  By then I should know if this cycle worked.  Ugh.  Prayers, please and thank you!

For those of you that read my sis's blog,  you know that she is expecting her 2nd child in July.  Being and auntie to her first child, this little cutie, is serioulsy one of the best parts my life...

I cannot wait to meet my new little niece or nephew.  I cannot imagine what it will be like to love another little one as much as I love, Kirsten.  My sister, is also one of the best parts of my life;)  I think it is really hard for other people to understand infertility and the emotions it causes...by that I mean people who have not been through it.  Well, my sis does a pretty good job of understanding it and supporting me.  I take that back, she does a very good job.  I love that I can tell her my feelings even when they are icky ones and she respects that.  She knows that I am unbelievably happy for her.  She also knows I wish I was HALF has fertile has her, hehe!  But she also knows I am jealous of her to.  Jealousy is a hard feeling, it is an awful feeling.  It makes me feel like a bad person.  I know it is just a natural feeling after everything I have been through, but none the less I hate feeling like that.  She has told me before that it is hard for her to not feel guilty for being pregnant.  I hate that my life and my troubles take away some of the happiness from the most important things in her life.  But I also appreciate the fact that she knows how lucky she is.  I hate that because I lost, Nolan, the fear of that is more real to Erica that it would have been otherwise.  I love how much she loved her little, nephew.  I hate that other people had to grieve his loss but it meant the world to me too see how much it did hurt them.  That sounded bad, you know what I meant. 

I cannot wait to for my sister to be an aunt to my future children, she'll  be the best.  And, her sweet kiddos and mine will be best friends, they have NO choice.  Tomorrow is the day she will find out if K will have a baby brother or sister.  I know, no matter what, I will be in love with that baby.  But I am nervous about that, too.  And she knows that.  What if it is a boy.  What if it is a boy and it looks like her?  I look like her, would that be what Nolan looked like?  I want to go shopping and spoil this baby before they even come.  But, it is so hard for me to shop for baby/kid stuff.  It makes me all stiff and sick feeling.  What if it is a boy, how will I shop?!?!?  I mean how will I shop with out loosing it completely? 

So these are a few of the reasons why my heart is nervous and achy right now.  To cope... I am eating Doritos and drinking Moscato while I type this.  Weird combo, but yum.  When I just looked up at my title to this post, I thought about changing it.  It reminds me of "My Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus.  But since my sister used to be in lllooovvveee with him, honestly, and since she is in this post, I figured it was only appropriate to leave it;) 

Love,
Kari

I Lied...

Last night I logged on Facebook to see that I had been added to a new group.  A group made up of my graduating class.  A group created to plan our 10 year reunion.  O.M.G.  Really?  10 years already?  Oh me, oh my, did I feel old.  Honestly, it does not seem possible that 10 years has passed since high school graduation.

My fellow classmate, who is in charge of organizing the reunion, also sent out a request asking us to send her a message with the following information about ourselves:
-Marital Status
-Number of kids
-Occupation
-Address

No big deal, right?  I went to send her a message...

"Hi Anne!  Great to hear from you, and thanks for organizing this.  Is it just me or does this make you feel really old, too?  I wanted to send you my information before I forget.  Here is is.  Married...."

I had to stop, I did not know how to answer the second part.  Number of kids?  Duh I have 1 child.  His name is Nolan and he was born August 5th.  I know with all of my heart I have one child, I am a mother to 1 precious child.  Only he lives in Heaven instead of here with us.  I know that is not the answer I should give to her.  I know can't give that answer to her. 

It's just so unbelievably hard for me to lie and say I have no children.  I was pregnant for 24 AMAZING weeks.  I delivered a baby boy.  I loved him, I held him, he was real, and his memory is still real to me.  It always will be.  But to most people, and probably 98% of my graduating class they do not know anything about this part of my life.  Mother, would never be one of the words they used to describe me. 

My note to Anne continued...

"No kids.  I work in the Financial Aid Office at ______ College.  Address.  Thanks again, Anne!  Hope all is well with you.  I just checked out your honeymoon pictures, looks like you had an amazing time! -Kari"

Our reunion is not until the summer of 2012.  Maybe before then I can send her a new update.  One that will include a baby.  One that lives at home with us, one that I can bring pictures of ;)