Well, hello!

It has been way to long since I have posted on here.  I hope to be back more often from now on.  My sister had encouraged me to start blogging a while ago.  She and I both knew it would be a perfect place to write about the things that I was feeling, things that you don't always talk about but need to get out.  And it was, it was a perfect place where I could come and write about grieving our stillborn son, Nolan.  It was also the perfect place where I could come and write about the anger and frustration that I felt while going through infertility.  I loved being able to just say what I wanted to say with out offending anybody or being to emotional.  If somebody didn't want to read they didn't have to. 

Once I found out I was pregnant, it was hard to come back to my blog, for lots of reasons.  I had shared so much of Nolan's story and so much of my grief here.  Not that I'm done grieving, or ever will be for that matter, and not that I don't think about him, because trust me I do several times each day, but I have had to try really hard to not focus on that while I am pregnant.  I think as a pregnant mom you always have concern and fear about your unborn child being safe and perfect.  Well multiply that fear 8 1,000,000 when your first child was stillborn.  Every time I would think about blogging the first things I would think of were sweet little Noland and infertility.  I knew how important it was for me to stay positive and it just seemed easier to do that away from here.  Weird?  Maybe. 

I had also come in contact with some amazing women who are also struggling with their own infertility journey.  I know what it is like to be on that road and come across somebody who is pregnant or something about pregnancy.  It is HARD!  One of the hardest things you do come across on that road.  I did not want to be that person to anybody out there who is reading my blog.  I know - I will NEVER forget what that journey was like, ever.  It is a part of me and who I am.  But it is still hard.

But lately, I miss blogging.  I have kept up on several blogs even though I haven't been doing much of my own.  I decided I was ready to start again;)  I'm looking forward to it too! 

Here is a quick little catch up...I'll do more tomorrow!

-Yesterday I turned 28 weeks with the twins!
-They are both boys.
-Their first names will be Colton and Wyatt - middle names, um yeah harder than first, why?
- 2 weeks ago at our last appointment one was measuring 2 lbs 2 oz and the other 1 lb 12oz, which Dr. said is just fine!  We haven't decided who is who yet.  I mean is Baby A Colton and Baby B Wyatt?  HA!!!  So sometimes we refer to them by name and other times we still go by A & B!

Like I said I will update more tomorrow.  But for now, here are just a few pics of what we were up to this summer, during my blogging vacation ;) 

Clint's best friend got married, Clint was Best Man & I was Matron of Honor

 

My precious nephew, Simon was born

My post wouldn't be complete with out mention of my adorable niece, Kirsten.  Who by the way LOVES her new baby brother!

We celebrated Nolan's 1st Birthday.  We sent him lots of love and some balloons too;)

My cousin got married

Here are the twins at the wedding ;)

Wedding bells...and bridesmaid dresses...

So remember my post about how many weddings we have this summer???  Like 13 or something, I've lost count.  I am in 2 of them and Clint is in 3 of them, whew!!!  We have already been to 1 wedding this year, the next is Memorial Day weekend.  Neither of these 2 are ones we are standing up in. 

Come June 25th we are both standing up in the same wedding.  Actually Clint is the best man and I am the matron of honor.  It is one of Clint's closest childhood friends, Loren.  Loren's older brother Brian passed away in a tragic accident 3 years ago, so Clint gets the honor of filling in for Brian, who was also a very close friend of Clint's.  Kind of bittersweet.  Lana, Loren's fiancee, moved here from Russia about 11 years ago.  She took 1 year of high school and then graduated from the college in our small town.  She lived at home while going to college and missed out on making a lot of friends.  Most of her friends now, are Loren's friends wives or girlfriends.  Since most of her family can't come from Russia for the wedding she asked me to stand up as her matron of honor.  It is a little awkward just because the 2 of us have always gotten along but have never been super close.  We do things as the 4 of us, both couples.  Since my hubby is the best man, it will be fine, and I am looking forward to it. 

Here is the dresses for this wedding.  They are beautiful. 

I will be 16 weeks, so I am praying that the dress will work.  I had ordered it a size to big, since I was hoping to be pregnant.  I just had NO idea it would be with twins!!!  I will post a picture next week of my little belly bump.  I am 5'11" so I think the height will be to my advantage;)  I was slow to show with Nolan, so it will be interesting to see how things are different this time around!!!

The next wedding I am in is August 20th.  My cousin's wedding.  I will be 24 weeks.  That dress, I am VERY nervous about.  I too ordered that one a size big being hopeful to be pregnant.  Again never imagining I would be having twins.  I'm just not so certain that this dress will fit.  With out some miracle work by my amazing seamstress.  If anybody can fix it I know she can.   Here is that dress.  Wish me luck!!







I love LOVE weddings, and am looking forward to celebrating so many this year! 

Mother's Day...

I hope everybody had a great weekend!  I know I have been absent from my blog for a while...  honest all I want to do when I get home from work is go to bed!  I haven't been feeling the greatest, not the worst, but just not great.  I am not complaining for a single second, just defending my absence;)

So yesterday, Mother's Day.  Its a tough one.  It is a GREAT day, its a much needed and well deserved holiday, but none the less it is a tough one.  I personally feel that my Mom and my Grandma deserve this day.  A day where we do nothing but honor everything they have done for us.  Everything they have done for our families, everything they have done to make our lives the best they can be.  Hats of to them!!!

There are soooo many reasons that this holiday can be full of heartache for soooo many.  A dear friend of mine lost her mother in a very tragic car accident 8 years ago, I know how hard Mother's day is for her.  I'm certain it is that way for anybody missing their Mom.  All of they hype leading up to Mother's day, the advertisements and the displays in stores, all just another constant reminder that their Mom was taken away from them.  I can't even begin to imagine...

For Mommies whose children now live in Heaven.  A day where you are supposed to get extra snuggles and be spoiled with love from your kids...only they aren't here.  During children's time at church on Sunday, our Pastor asked all of the Moms in the congregation who had not gotten a hug from their children yet that day to raise their hand.  I fought tears and kept my hands to my side.  I thought, no, Nolan isn't here for me to snuggle, but what would people think if I raised my hand?  Some would understand, and others would be thinking, I didn't know Clint and Kari had any children.  People that I work with, who know I am pregnant, told me, "Happy Mother's Day, you mother of 2!"  2???  Hello, did you forget that I already have a child?  Just because he lives in Heaven does not mean I am not a mommy to him.  It hurts, because people do not think of me as a Mom.  Maybe I am crazy, but I am a Mom, Nolan will always be my first child and he will ALWAYS hold a place in our family.  As far as I'm concerned, I am indeed a Mother of 3! 

For dear friends and all of the incredible women who struggle with infertility, this day is hard.  Oh so hard, I can't even describe the hurt, on any given day.  But Mother's day is, in my mind, one of the hardest.  Of course we/they still want to honor their own Mom's.  We/they do, but there is a hurt and a longing that comes along with that.  Mothers day, to these amazing women, serves as a constant reminder of what they would give anything for.  Even though I am pregnant with 2 little miracles right now, these thoughts were soooo close to my heart this weekend.  I still don't have a baby or babies to hold...and I have wanted them for quite some time now.  I know my time is near, and I thank God for that every single day. 

I know all to well, that being pregnant does not guarantee that a baby/babies will be coming home with us.  For my own sanity and have to believe that it will be that way, though.  I already feel this way, and I know once I have my babies in my arms, I will feel even stronger about this.  I am glad I went through infertility.  Did I ever think I would say that?  No.  It is/was the biggest struggle in my life, and I'm afraid that journey isn't completely over.  Between that and loosing Nolan, I was at a bottom place in my life.  A place I never thought I would go, a place I NEVER want to go back to.  But I learned SO much, I met soooo many amazing women.  I hope and pray I never forget those feelings...not sure forgetting them is even possible.  But I don't want to forget.  I don't want to forget what it feels like to sit in church on Mother's day when you would give absolutely anything to be a mommy.  I want to think about and pray for other women still on the journey and I want to feel the same compassion towards them that I always have.  I want to be an inspiration and proof to other moms that miracles to happen.  I want others to gain hope and faith when they know my own story.


Maybe I'm rambling now, I hope this made sense!  Oh, I'm 9 weeks today with the twins!!  Still doesn't seem possible to me!  I'll have to get Clint to take a picture...so different than my last pregnancy.  Already wearing a belly band every day...my pants won't button!!! 

Thankful and Beyond Blessed....

Our appointment yesterday went, GREAT!!!  So great that neither I or my husband slept a wink last night.  After you take a look at the picture below, you will know why!!!!

Yep, we're having TWINS!!!!  I still can hardly believe it!!!!

Looonnnggg Day...

Good Morning.  I hope everybody had a wonderful Easter.  We did!  My Mom is a nurse and it was her Holiday to work, that was the only bad part about our weekend.  My sister and I cooked a feast at her house and we all had a great time.  I need to get better at taking pictures...OMG, you should have seen my niece in her Easter dress...adorable!  She had I had our own little Easter Egg hunt too ;)

I wasn't expecting yesterday to be as emotionally hard on me as it was.  My mom had ordered an Easter Lilly in memory of Nolan and in honor of Kirsten for the altar at church, so sweet.  That combined with it being a Holiday, that would have been his first Easter, the Easter hymns, our stop at the cemetery, I was quite emotional.  I think the added hormones don't help;)

Speaking of added hormones... I feel like I have a hangover every day, all day long.  Not complaining, I will feel like this everyday for the next 33 weeks if I have to.  It still isn't fun, though;)  I have been drinking a LOT of ginger ale.  Not a huge fan of the flavor but, it does help.  Thanks to my sis, for that advise.  I also found it helps to eat something salty in the morning.  Today for breakfast I had, ginger ale, lays potato chips, strawberries, and pineapple.  HA!

So today, 5pm...we get to hear a heartbeat!!!  I am super excited and very nervous.  I am trying soooo hard to be positive, but how can I not think about the last time I was supposed to hear a heartbeat.  A lot of those feelings are re surfacing.  All will be good today, it has to be!!! 

With fertility there is always that little chance of multiples...we will also find that out today, I mean if there is more than 1!!!  Because of the number of follicles I had and some hormone levels I have had tested since conception, lets just say there are a few family members...ok well all of them that even know I am pregnant that are rooting for twins, ha!  Not sure how I feel about that yet!!!  Just a few more hours and we will know!  I'm leaving work at 3 in order to get home, change, meet my husband, and get on the road to our appointment!!!!

Love,
Kari

Puppy Love...

She was sooo cute this morning I just had to snap this picture!  I always said I would never have a dog.  Once I had one, I said she would never be allowed on our bed.  Well, I guess I made a liar out of myself.  I am so in love with my sweet puppy it is not even funny.   Side note, she is not allowed in our bed very often, and she must be invited.  She gets in trouble, just at tiny bit of trouble, if she comes up with out being told to.  Just look at her...head on the pillow and all. 

I don't think I've ever shared our story about how we got our dog.  Its pretty perfect, so I will share...

My husband grew up with a White German Shepherd named, Baby.  He has always wanted to have a dog of ours.  I, the clean freak that I am, was perfectly content with no dogs.  No shedding to worry about, no dog bones on my carpet, no dog breath, or giving them baths.  I was happy the way our life was, dog-less.

Well, after we found out our first child was a boy, my mother-in-law believed he needed a puppy to grow up with.  So she took it upon herself to see that he would have a puppy to grow up with.  Just a few short weeks after we found out Nolan was a he there was an ad in the local paper for White German Shepherd puppies.  She went and paid for one.  Telling nothing about his to my husband or I.  (Damn MIL's!!!)  She was going to make sure Clint was going to get his Dog and she figured if it was for Nolan, I would not be mad.  Haha!!!

Unfortunately, you know how Nolan's arrival turned out.  When my MIL was leaving the hospital she told Clint that she had bought something for Nolan that she just can't return.  The day we came home from the hospital was literally the day she had scheduled to pick up the puppy.  We had only been home for an hour when I heard somebody come in the front door.  I walked out, Clint was in the shower, and there was my mother-in-law, bawling, holding a tiny white puppy. 

She gave me a hug and told me that she had wanted Nolan to grow up with a puppy and that now we would have a puppy to take care of and to help heal our broken hearts.  STOP.....total emotional volcano... Obviously, still distraught over our first baby being born an angel just a few hours before, by sobbing MIL, the cutest white puppy I had ever seen....WAIT, a puppy?  I didn't want a damn dog.  She bought me a dog?   OMG she has some nerve.  I am so mad at her.  Seriously?  Who buys somebody else a dog?  What am I going to do?!?!?

It took some major adjusting...lets just say the dog was lucky she was so freaking cute!  I was very upset with my MIL.  In fact, I still to this day talk about how much I love our dog in front of her, haha!  But our sweet dog was major medicine for us.  She forced us to go on nightly walks, she forced us to take care of her and ourselves.  It is something ( I don't really like to call her a something) so it is a somebody for us to love that loves us in return.  She makes us laugh and is part of our family.

Because she was a present for Nolan, it feels like we have something of his.  She is Nolan's puppy.  When we were trying to decide on a name I wanted something that started with an N, just like Nolan.  My Sis, helped us come up with her name.  Nevaeh, yep that is Heaven backwards.  Pretty perfect, huh?  We say it, Nay-Va.

 Nevaeh, is seriously one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  Just don't tell my Mother-in-Law. 


Love,
Kari

What.A.Day.

Where do I start...  We had a GREAT weekend!  It started off on a scary note.  Did you read my post about my nephew Lane?  After an emergency trip to the hospital he was diagnosed with ITP.  He had a viral infection a few weeks ago.  His little body was trying so hard to fight it off and it ended up attacking himself.  His platelet count was VERY low.  He had an 8 hour IV treatment where the gave him platelets.  His counts were up to 40,000 when they discharged him late Saturday afternoon.  He is still not back to normal.  He will have weekly blood counts and more IV treatment if it is needed.  They told his parents it could take months for his counts to be back where the should be.  Poor little man!  But we are all beyond thankful that it was something that can be treated and that he will be okay!  Thanks for your prayers also.

With the good news about Lane we were able to enjoy the rest of our weekend.  My hubby is a bit of a cowboy.  No lie.  When I first met him he actually rode bulls.  Stupid.Crazy.I'm glad he doesn't do it anymore!  But we do like to go to rodeo's.  This weekend there was one about an hour away from where we live.  One of Clint's best friends also lives in this town.  He also used to Rodeo ;)

So Saturday afternoon we headed North.  Met our Friends for an early supper and went to the rodeo.  My cousin and his girlfriends joined us later.  We all had a great time!

Love my new cowboy boots;)  Never owned a pair before - I went to this rodeo in style;)

We stayed the night and did some shopping before we headed home on Sunday.  It was absolutely gorgeous  weather this weekend.  In the high 70's.  However it thunder stormed like crazy on Saturday night.  We knew there was a chance for sever storms on Sunday also.  For most of Sunday it was really warm and partly cloudy.  Then for a brief, 10 minutes or maybe less it got ugly.  I can not say enough how lucky we are.  There was a tornado along the same road that we live on.  A couple miles west there was some major damage.  We have 2 huge trees down in our yard but neighbors had roofs torn off of bars and campers flipped over onto vehicles.  Thank God, nobody was hurt.

Our attorney called yesterday and needed some additional information to finish our taxes.  Yes, you read that right, our taxes are not done yet.  Eek.  This is the first year that Clint has been completley self-employed.  Let's just say, umm, he is not very organized.  We didn't really know what all to expect.  Now that we do I will be taking over that part of the business.  I am wwaaaayy better and keeping track of things and putting receipts and what not where they need to go.   Well anyways we were trying to get all of that information together when the tornado came.  We lost power.  For 3 hours.  We stayed up late trying to get it all done.  I should say Clint stayed up late.  In my current state I am not much able to keep my blue eyes open much past 9... ok, or earlier!

When I got up this morning, Clint begged, I mean begged for me to call and take the morning off.  There were a few other spreadsheets he needed to finish for the attorney.  Clint and spreadsheet should never be used in the same sentence.  But we are busy at work and I said I really needed to go in.  I gave him a quick lesson and told him to call me if he needed help. 

I back out of the driveway and here a God awful noise.  I thought something was stuck under my car, like a branch or something.  I thought when I drove forward maybe it would fall off.  Nope, no such luck.  I get out of my car to check it out.  Not a branch, a flat tire.  I came  back in the house and asked Clint if he did that on purpose so I had to stay home and help him. 

Long story I guess... to sum it up I ended up taking a vacation day.  We spent a few hours finalizing the tax stuff...its now at the attorney's office!  Relief.  We went and bought 2 new tires for my car and we had lunch in town.  Ran a couple errands and came home. 

Clint was going to go to his shop for a few hours.  So I took the dog for a walk.  We were enjoying the great spring day, and were almost back home, when...  there appeared a skunk just up the rode.  Yep, between us and home a skunk.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for the dog not to bark.  I was certain we were going to get sprayed.  For a moment I froze.  We started walking the other way, called Clint and he came and picked up his 2 favorite girls and brought us home...smelling just as nice as we did when we left, ha!

See?  What a day!  That was a long post, but so much happened!  Grilling out tonight, so I am going to go get everything ready!!!!

Prayers, PLEASE!!!

I come to you tonight, because I know the power of prayer is strong.  My nephew, Lane, yes the sweet little man we just helped celebrate his 2nd birthday on Wednesday, needs your prayers.

Wednesday night Lane had a bruise on his forehead.  Like all little boy 2 year olds, he can be kind of wild.  Well, when you're wild you sometimes end up with a few bruises.  Jenn, his mother, said he had a couple on his leg earlier that week.  We were joking that he was just accident prone. 

When Jenn woke him up this morning he had bruises all over his body.  Legs, back, arms, everywhere.  They made him an appointment.  His Dad, Clint's youngest brother, took him in.  They ran some blood tests and sent him home.  Jenn has an in home day care and so he went back there.  A few hours later the Dr. called Jenn.

He explained that Lane's platelet count was VERY low.  Normal is 150,000 Lane's was 10,000.  He said said his blood will not clot at all right now.  If he so much as got a paper cut he could bleed to death.  They are running more tests to find out what caused this to happen.  As we speak he is on his way to a different hospital about an hour away from where we live.  It is a much larger hospital with several pediatric specialists.

They will do a blood transfusion as soon as he is admitted.  The transfusion will take 6-8 hours.  They will, thank God, sedate him heavily.  They will recheck his counts tomorrow and he may have to have another transfusion. 

I pray that they can find out what caused this and that is isn't as bad as we are all fearing.  I pray for the medical skills of the doctors who will hold his little life in their hands.  I pray for strength for his Mom and Dad.  I pray for our sweet little Lane to be back to normal soon.  Thanks for your prayers too. 

Here is Lane and his birthday cake 2 days ago:

Oh, Baby!

Lane's birthday party was a blast last night.  I'm pretty sure that 2 year old was going to have a hard time going to bed after all of the new toys he got last night.  That along with the amount of cake and ice cream he consumed - that kids loves him some cake and ice cream! 

Once we got home, Clint and I started talking about our morning plans.  I was SO excited to test this time.  Remember last cycle I did not want to test at all!  I said to Clint do you think a few hours really makes a difference?  I told him I kind of wanted to take one right now!  He told me not do, but I did not listen.  I tested.  The minute I saw the results I started screaming.  Yep - there were 2 little lines, it said I was PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!  Clint came running in and was all excited as well.  Duh, right!  Then he got all serious... "You should have waited til tomorrow... What if its a false positive?" 

So this morning at 4:00 am he was wide awake.  Woke me up and we took another test.  There were still 2 lines, it still said I was pregnant.  AAHHH!!!!!  I can hardly believe it?!?!?!  I am on cloud 9, for the second time in my life I have a true miracle growing inside of me!  I hope and pray with all of my hear that this baby makes their appearance a little bit different and is kicking and screaming when we meet him or her!!!

I called our sweet Nurse, who was equally as excited for us.  Our appointment is scheduled for April 25th to hear that amazing little heartbeat!!!!  I know how nervous I will be for that.  I know that feeling of not hearing a heartbeat will never leave me.  I know I will have a lot of nervous and scary moments with this pregnancy.  My sister tells me, every time one one of those thoughts comes across your mind, say a prayer.  She is right.  I know there will be those moments but I need to focus and positive things and not let things like that prevent me from enjoying every minute of this pregnancy. 

I debated whether or not to blog about this today.  Blogging has been so therapeutic for me and I need it to continue to be that way for the next 36 weeks!  I have only told my Sister, of course, my parents, and a few of my closest co-workers.  There are a few, I mean like 3 besides my sis, in real life friends and family that read my blog and they will know to.  Infertility is hard, people know we are trying, some know we just completed a cycle.  It takes away the surprise.  But I still want to wait a little while before the word is completely out.  My head and my heart need some more time to absorb this. 

I am soooo ecstatic.  I am having a hard time concentrating today.  AAHHH!!!!!  I can't believe I'm pregnant.  I am living, walking, breathing proof that miracles to come true!  Thanks for all of the prayers - they indeed helped.  I also know a certain little Angel was looking out for his Mommy and Daddy this time around!

Love,
Kari

Tomorrow, Is Only a Day Away...

So, tomorrow is the day.  Ya know, the one where I can test...eek!  I get so excited, so nervous, so scared.  Then in a matter of seconds my heart will break, again, or I will see two little pink lines that mean another miracle has happened.  What will it be tomorrow?!
I don't know if I should say this or not, I don't want to jinx anything ;)  But I have the slightest feeling that it may have worked this last cycle.  Did I say how many trips I make to the bathroom lately?  Oh my!  There have been a few times where I "think" I have noticed some extra pressure, there.  I also think that being in my situation and knowing that I might be pregnant could play mind games with me.  Before I tested the cycle that I got pregnant with, Nolan, my you know whats hurt...bad.  This time? They don't?!  My sister keeps telling me she did not hurt this second pregnancy but she did with Kirsten.  Speaking of Kirsten, my adorable niece, came  to visit me at work today.  My mom watches her a couple of days a week so they came to my office for a little coffee break this morning.  Ahh... I LOVE how excited she gets when she sees me.  Totally melts me...totally.  When they left you should have seen the long face she had when she realized I wasn't going with them.  If testing tomorrow morning does not go the way I want, at lease I know I get to have lunch with her tomorrow.  I can't not be happy around her, she is one of the BEST things in my life!
Sooo...if you don't mind adding me to your prayers tonight, I would appreciate it!
Today is our nephew, Lane's 2nd birthday.  He is Clint's youngest brothers little boy.  We are going to their house tonight to celebrate.  I'm sure it will be fun and it will make the night go by fast - no staring at the box of tests that are waiting for me in the morning! 
Because he is the birthday boy and sooo cute...here is a picture of Uncle Clint and Lane.  Not the greatest picture but it will do!

SO Thoughful...

One of the first things I do when I get home is look through the mail.  Rarely do we get anything besides a bill or another credit card offer.  There is the occasional invitation, birthday or anniversary card, birth announcement, etc.  All of which I love receiving...Okay you're right, the birth announcements sting a little, but I wouldn't not want to get them either.  Anyway...not very often, hardly ever are there surprise packages with thoughtful letters and beyond sweet gifts.  But, yesterday there was. 

Here is what was in my package yesterday...

Heaven is for Real, A Little Boys Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back

Along with the sweetest card and a personal hand written letter...those I NEVER get in the mail.  I want to share with you what it said. 

Kari & Clint,
This is the neatest book!  I just finished it and enjoyed it so much!  I thought of you two, and just had to send you a copy.  I pray that it will be a blessing to you as well ;)
We live along ways away, and we don't talk often - but I think of you and pray for you often.  I know God has plans for you and your family - and I just as anxious as you (well maybe not quite as much as you ;) )to find out what the are!!
Enjoy the book!
Love you,
Lori
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"  Hebrews 10:23

Lori is my sweet cousin, who like she said lives a long ways away.  Well, only 4 hours but we don't get to see each other as often as we would all like.  Like she also said, we don't talk often.  Well, I'm sure we talk way more often and see each other way more often that a lot of cousins do, but our family is really, I mean really close.  So to us, spending each and every Holiday, a long weekend in the summer, and a few weekends through out the year, is not seeing each other very much. 

I can not say enough how much it meant to get that in the mail yesterday.  Even more, I can't tell you how excited I am to ready my new book!  Have any of you read this book?  If you haven't heard about it, it is a true story about a little boy who had an emergency appendectomy.  For months afterwards he shared stories about his trip to Heaven.  He talked of people in Heaven whom he had never had the chance to meet on Earth.  He knew of events that took place before his birth, and described Heaven with perfect detail.  Here is a clip of the little boy and his parents from the Today Show.

I do believe in Heaven, I know our sweet Nolan is happy there and that he will never have to suffer, ever.  I know that he has lots of loved ones taking care of him.  I know he has met his Grandpa Bruce, Clint's dad, whom I never had the privilege of knowing.  I know he is in a better place than we can ever imagine.  I think this book will be nothing but confirmation for all of the above.  After reading it maybe I will have a better idea of where my sweet baby is living and all the glory that surrounds him, and all my other loved ones in Heaven.

Now, I need to find a sweet thank you card to send to Lori.  I know what I send will NEVER make her feel the way her gift made me feel yesterday.

I'm back!

I have been MIA from my blog lately...sorry!  I LOVE to blog/vent (I see them as one in the same sometimes) about my infertility.  It is a place where I can write my feelings and not worry about upsetting anybody or offending someone.  I can come here and write about what I need to but am not ready to share with friends and family.  Well, this cycle has been different for me.  Emotionally I feel GREAT!  I think I know why...

When we first started out on our infertility journey I didn't want to tell anybody, except those closest to me.  I'm not sure why, but I just didn't want other people to know that I was having trouble getting pregnant.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, scared, and lots and lots of other hormonal things ;)  I remember when Clint told me that he had shared our struggles with one of his best friends.  I was soooo mad at Clint, so mad.  BUT, just like I needed to tell my mom, my sister, my cousin, and my best friend, he needed to also. 

Eventually I shared it with my co-workers.  I was going to sooo many appointments sooo frequently that they were worried about me.  They have been so supportive, and so flexible with me.  I am blessed to work with such amazing people.  At that point in our journey I was frustrated and ready to see a different Dr.  That is when a co-worker of mine told me that one of her friends, daughter went through something similar and now has 2 children.  She asked me if I wanted her to mention this to Mary and see where her daughter had gone.  I immediately said YES!!!  That is how I found our miracle Dr.  2 cycles with him and I was pregnant with Nolan.  I realized, had I not shared my struggles I would have never opened that door to find him.  Had, Beth, Mary's daughter not been willing to share her story with me things would have been sooo different.  I honestly don't know where we would be at today.

After of that I became much more open about everything I was going through.  I loved talking about it with people, asking questions, and sharing stories.  Once I became pregnant, I wanted to talk about it even more.  I was proof to other people that miracles are possible. 

So last cycle, well actually 2 cycles ago, I just finished another cycle and I am in the middle of the 2 week waiting period...eek....  Anyways, last cycle I continued to share where I was at how things were going with more than just my closest family and friends.  I was such a wreck the entire cycle.  I mean I have NEVER been that way, EVER!  While I was doing all the shots and counting everything, I was beyond upset, I was at my true bottom.  I don't know that I had ever been where I was at before.  Even right after I lost, Nolan.  However, I know I am not done grieving, and honestly I think when I am mid cycle most of my pain and anger is grief combined with the frustration.

I would be having an okay day and then somebody at work would ask if I had to have a shot today or how much longer til I knew if it worked, I would loose it.  I would sit at my desk and fight back tears and try to hold in all in.  I couldn't handle other people bringing the subject up to me.  So I have been handling this cycle much differently.  I have not shared really anything about where I am at with anybody except my closest family.  No friends, no coworkers, not anybody.  And I feel AMAZING!!!!!!  I know everybody only asks because they care about me and they want exactly what I want.  But for my sanity not talking about it all of the time and focusing on other things when I don't have to focus on infertility, has been emotional medicine. 

I have not broken down once during this cycle.  I gave my self injections for 9 days in a row, and I did it like a champ!  I didn't get all nervous and emotional in the car on our way to appointments, Clint and I enjoyed the time together and made the best of it.  Just for the record my uterine lining last month was 6 this month it is 9!!!!!! They like it to be at least 8.  Last cycle I had one follicle that was 18 this month I had 3 (18, 21, 22) they like them to be at least 18!!!!  I don't really have any gut feelings if it worked yet or not.  April 7th, testing day, will be here before we know it.  Prayers welcome!!!

Glad to be back at blogging!!!

On the road again...

Today is cycle Day 4.  The part of every cycle where I get my hopes WAY up that this just might be the time.  I hope this time those feelings are right;)

We went for an ultrasound today.  Dr. said everything looked good, no residual follicles.  I will take Femara today through Monday.  Then Tuesday I will start Menopur.  This is a different injection that we did last cycle.  Dr. S also increased my dose on the injections for 2 of the 4 days I take them.  I will alternate between 150 IU's and 75 IU's.  We go back a week from Saturday, day 13.

Our appointment lasted a lot longer today than normal.  This injection is given a little different than the last ones so I had to go through all the "teaching".  We also talked about doing another HSG, Hysterosalpingogram.  Ugh.  I had one done a year ago, the same cycle that I got pregnant.  Everything looked normal from that test.  This new Dr. said it can be repeated every year or 2.  We decided to do one more cycle and if it is unsuccessful, next time around we will do another HSG.  Obviously, I pray this cycle works.  I want more than anything to be pregnant.  I will do whatever I need to get there, but I would LOVE to not have another HSG, talk about painful!!!  Anybody who has ever had one would agree with me that they are VERY unpleasant. 

Time well tell.  For now, pills, shots, and then, well you know what comes next!  Then the waiting...  we should know by the first part of April if this works!  By then I will be 27, tear!  Another birthday, another year past with out a baby.  Hope I never have to say that again!!!

Back to work tomorrow, but its Friday!!!  We are so looking forward to the weekend!

Love,
Kari

Sooooo Good ;)

So a couple nights ago, I made homemade pizza for dindin.  And...it was yum!  A co-worker was telling me about these Mama Mary's ready made crust.  Have you tried them?  So amazing.  Here is the ones I used:

It comes with 2 crusts and it was only like $3!!!  So I made one with just pepperoni...cuz, um, you can never go wrong with a pepperoni pizza, right?

The other pizza was shrimp, tomato, and basil.  I'm not usually this experimental with pizza.  I thought for sure Clint would say something like, "What the hell kind of pizza is that?"  Yes, that is something he would say ;)  But he liked the shrimp pizza better than the pepperoni one.  I did too!

I will for sure be buying these crusts again.  They were so good and I can't wait to try other fun toppings on them!!!

Love,
Kari

Still Waiting on 2 Pink Lines

Well, I did it.  I bought another box of pregnancy tests last Thursday after work.  I was still in no hurry to test, but I had to go to the store and I didn't know if I would be back again before the weekend.  I got home and put everything away, made supper, got a bunch of stuff done at home.  Never thinking about the box of tests. 

Until, it was time to go to bed.  I was brushing my teeth and washing my face and that cupboard where the box was just kept catching my attention.  So I tested.  Hubby was in the living room watching TV and I didn't even tell him I was going to test.  SO not like me.  We ALWAYS do it together, he ALWAYS reads the result to me.  I think he feels like he can protect me if he tells me. 

After I did it I was soooo scared to look at the results.  I switched a load of laundry and got a glass of water.  Then I went back in and looked.  I already knew what it was going to say.  It said the same thing it always says, not pregnant.  I calmly, yes calmly, took it out and showed Clint.  First he couldn't believe I had done it secretly.  Next he says, you okay, Babe?  Please don't worry, things will work out.  Nolan will help us.

I didn't even cry, I'm not sad about it.  I am mad.  There are 2 things that immediately pop into my head every time I take a negative test.  First I get very angry that I was pregnant with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy and that I had to loose him at 24 weeks, we were over half way there!!!  Second I just get mad that this is soooo hard for me and that it is soooo easy for everybody else.  I know not everybody, but it seams like it on days like that.  When is it my turn?  When will I get to bring a baby home.  When will I get to give my husband the most precious gift that he too wants soooo bad. 

I try and remember how blessed I really am.  I have the best husband in the entire world, we are happy, really happy together.  We both have great jobs.  We have tons of friends, and we both have wonderful families.  We have the most adorable, love bug, of a puppy - who makes us laugh everyday.  Our lives are full of many blessings.  We know that.  But there is that little piece that is missing.  Going through infertility controls your life.  Counting your days, taking meds, getting ultrasounds, giving injections, more ultrasounds, timing sex, then waiting on those 2 pink lines.  It makes it really easy to constantly remember that little piece that is missing.

I still haven't started my period, when I do we will call our Dr.  It will be Day 1 of another cycle.  Another attempt at getting what we want...maybe next time there will be 2 pink lines ;)

Love,
Kari

Error?!?! What?!?!

Coming to you straight from the lunch room at work today folks.  So ya know I was having some anxiety about taking that pregnancy test on Tuesday morning.  I just couldn't decide if I wanted to do it or if I should wait. 

Well, Tuesday morning I decided to do it.  The last cycle we did, which with all the switching doctors crap thing, was a few months ago.  I had bought the digital tests, Clear Blue Easy, to be exact.  It was a box of 2, and I had used one of them up.  So I got out the other digital test.  Did my thing...and hubby... who always looks at the result first waited, and waited, and waited.  He started at the test, then he stared at me, all awkward like.  The window said, Book Error.  Seriously?  All that anxiety and that?  No more testers in the house, we live a half hour from town, and work started in a little less than an hour. 

So I went and bought another test on my lunch hour, right?  Nope.  After work?  Nope.  Yesterday?  Nope.  I'm completely calm about it to...weird.  Weird to me, and weird to all who are close enough to me to know what is going on.  They are all dying to no the answer.  Hubby and I?  Well for all we care the test didn't say, Not Pregnant. 

Since I quit taking birth control, which was 2 years ago last January, I have had one "natural" period.  One non induced period.  That period was 6 weeks after delivering our Nolan.  So, you see, I do not know when I am "late".  I did not take my HCG trigger shot until day 16.  So, I think if by this weekend, still no period I will take a test.  In the meantime, ya'll will just have to wait.  I think this waiting this is harder on my sister than it is on me. 

Clint calls me at work like every 2 hours, and says this exact thing every time:
Hi, babe, did you get your period yet?
I say, No.
He says, Good Job...like I have some kind of control over that?
I laugh, he says I love you, I say the same, he tells me he will check in with me in a while!  HA!




On another note, I'm wwaayy glad tomorrow is Friday!  We are going for supper with some great friends after work and we are both looking forward to that.  I'm praying the ice that is in the forecast for us does not come.  Happy Thursday everybody!  Please Sis ignore any grammatical or spelling errors, my lunch hour is up!


Love,
Kari

Tiny, Precious, Little Feet

I'm missing this little guy like crazy.  Oh how I wish things would have been different.  How can I miss somebody so much, that I never knew?  Honestly, I feel like my life will never be complete.  Even someday when we have another baby, there will always be somebody missing.

I look at his feet, they are sooo perfect, everything about him was perfect.  He was growing just as he should, he measured just as he should.  So why did his cord have to twist?  It twisted so tightly it basically cut off all of his oxygen supply.  Our Dr. who has delivered 10,000 + babies had only see this happen a handful of times.  Why him?  Why do we have to struggle with infertility?  Why did we have to spend $8,000 to become pregnant?  Why did I have to be in labor for 22 hours to deliever an angel?  Why does it seem like everybody around us has a baby(s) but we have to go to the cemetary to visit ours?  Why do we still have to struggle with infertility?  These are just a few things I can't seem to quit thinking about.

Our new Dr. told us we could test tomorrow... I don't think I am ready.  Weird?!?!  I just don't want to.  I was all excited earlier tonight but I just want to wait a few more days.  In past cycles we have always been told to wait 2 1/2 weeks after our trigger shot, well tomorrow is only 2 weeks.  I just am scared to death to see that "Not Pregnant" sign staring me in the face.  I don't really have any symptoms and I just don't have that feeling.

How much longer do we have to be on this journey?  Is there a reason why we are going through all of this?  I know there are no answers to all of these questions, but they eat at me all the time.  It feels good to type them instead of just thinking about them.

Sometimes I listen to this song.  My sister helped me pick it out for Nolan's funeral.  Sometimes it makes me sad to hear it and other times it brings me a little bit of piece.  As soon as I hear the music and can picture everything from that day.  I can feel the quiet breeze and few little raindrops that fell.  I can see his tiny casket with a blue cross and roses.  I can see the blue and yellow daisys next to his casket.  I can see the blue balloons our friends and family released.... I feel close to my little Nolan.  It is a perfect song, truer than true. 

Trigger, BABY, Trigger...

Hope you all had a wonderful Valentines Day.  We did, even though part of it was spent at our fertility clinic.  We got an awesome report from our ultrasound.  Our Dr. said, "This looks like a perfect cycle!"  Whew!  Now if everything else will go perfectly too.
We had done Repronex injections for 4 days in a row.  I reacted terrible at the injection sites.  No lie, it looks like somebody punched me in the gut 4 times.  After the ultrasound Dr. S wanted to do one more injection, just to help the lining come along a little bit further.  Today we did my HCG trigger shot...let the fun begin...;)
2 weeks from today we will know the results of this cycle.  The waiting will the long and hard but we are praying for 2 little pink lines!
P.S.  After our appointment we stopped at an amazing restaurant for a nice Valentine's Day dinner.  I had broiled fish, scallops, and shrimp.  O.M.G they were sooo delicious.  I had tons left over and was looking forward to having it for lunch today.  Well, when we got home I set my doggy bag on the kitchen counter...and that is where is stayed all night.  So, my MIL's barn cats feasted on my broiled seafood platter today, dang it!

Nervous, Achy Heart of Mine...

Oh...I have TOO many emotions going through this hormonally challenged body of mine.  Thank you, PCOS.

It's day 11 of our first cycle with our new Dr.  Had my first shot today.  Another one tomorrow, then Saturday, and Sunday too.  Gosh, this infertility stuff is fun:(  Then back for another ultrasound on Valentine's Day.  What a way to spend Valentine's day.  Ya know, I never, ever dreamed that I would be spending my Valentine's Day with my husband at a fertility clinic. 

I thought I was going to have 2 valentine's this year.  I guess I do, just one is in Heaven. 

Anyway...I am, emotionally, at the same spot I am every cycle.  I always tell myself not to get my hopes up.  But honestly, how can you not?!  I mean it consumes EVERY part of your life.  I am constantly counting my days, taking meds, getting shots, hell my Dr. even tells me when I can and cannot have sex with my husband.  Damn it!  Too personal?  Sorry.  There is no stopping it, I get my hopes up. 

Then I get scared and nervous about what is going to happen if/when I find out I am not pregnant.  That let down was awful before I lost, Nolan.  But now, finding out is a whole different story.  It brings all my grief right to the surface.  Not that it is all too far away from the surface anyway.  I just can't stand this?!?!?!  I HATE INFERTILITY.  I can't even explain the emotional stress and anger it causes.  I guess maybe it is okay to get my hopes up?  Think positive, right?  I just wish I could fast forward to 3 weeks from now.  By then I should know if this cycle worked.  Ugh.  Prayers, please and thank you!

For those of you that read my sis's blog,  you know that she is expecting her 2nd child in July.  Being and auntie to her first child, this little cutie, is serioulsy one of the best parts my life...

I cannot wait to meet my new little niece or nephew.  I cannot imagine what it will be like to love another little one as much as I love, Kirsten.  My sister, is also one of the best parts of my life;)  I think it is really hard for other people to understand infertility and the emotions it causes...by that I mean people who have not been through it.  Well, my sis does a pretty good job of understanding it and supporting me.  I take that back, she does a very good job.  I love that I can tell her my feelings even when they are icky ones and she respects that.  She knows that I am unbelievably happy for her.  She also knows I wish I was HALF has fertile has her, hehe!  But she also knows I am jealous of her to.  Jealousy is a hard feeling, it is an awful feeling.  It makes me feel like a bad person.  I know it is just a natural feeling after everything I have been through, but none the less I hate feeling like that.  She has told me before that it is hard for her to not feel guilty for being pregnant.  I hate that my life and my troubles take away some of the happiness from the most important things in her life.  But I also appreciate the fact that she knows how lucky she is.  I hate that because I lost, Nolan, the fear of that is more real to Erica that it would have been otherwise.  I love how much she loved her little, nephew.  I hate that other people had to grieve his loss but it meant the world to me too see how much it did hurt them.  That sounded bad, you know what I meant. 

I cannot wait to for my sister to be an aunt to my future children, she'll  be the best.  And, her sweet kiddos and mine will be best friends, they have NO choice.  Tomorrow is the day she will find out if K will have a baby brother or sister.  I know, no matter what, I will be in love with that baby.  But I am nervous about that, too.  And she knows that.  What if it is a boy.  What if it is a boy and it looks like her?  I look like her, would that be what Nolan looked like?  I want to go shopping and spoil this baby before they even come.  But, it is so hard for me to shop for baby/kid stuff.  It makes me all stiff and sick feeling.  What if it is a boy, how will I shop?!?!?  I mean how will I shop with out loosing it completely? 

So these are a few of the reasons why my heart is nervous and achy right now.  To cope... I am eating Doritos and drinking Moscato while I type this.  Weird combo, but yum.  When I just looked up at my title to this post, I thought about changing it.  It reminds me of "My Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus.  But since my sister used to be in lllooovvveee with him, honestly, and since she is in this post, I figured it was only appropriate to leave it;) 

Love,
Kari

I Lied...

Last night I logged on Facebook to see that I had been added to a new group.  A group made up of my graduating class.  A group created to plan our 10 year reunion.  O.M.G.  Really?  10 years already?  Oh me, oh my, did I feel old.  Honestly, it does not seem possible that 10 years has passed since high school graduation.

My fellow classmate, who is in charge of organizing the reunion, also sent out a request asking us to send her a message with the following information about ourselves:
-Marital Status
-Number of kids
-Occupation
-Address

No big deal, right?  I went to send her a message...

"Hi Anne!  Great to hear from you, and thanks for organizing this.  Is it just me or does this make you feel really old, too?  I wanted to send you my information before I forget.  Here is is.  Married...."

I had to stop, I did not know how to answer the second part.  Number of kids?  Duh I have 1 child.  His name is Nolan and he was born August 5th.  I know with all of my heart I have one child, I am a mother to 1 precious child.  Only he lives in Heaven instead of here with us.  I know that is not the answer I should give to her.  I know can't give that answer to her. 

It's just so unbelievably hard for me to lie and say I have no children.  I was pregnant for 24 AMAZING weeks.  I delivered a baby boy.  I loved him, I held him, he was real, and his memory is still real to me.  It always will be.  But to most people, and probably 98% of my graduating class they do not know anything about this part of my life.  Mother, would never be one of the words they used to describe me. 

My note to Anne continued...

"No kids.  I work in the Financial Aid Office at ______ College.  Address.  Thanks again, Anne!  Hope all is well with you.  I just checked out your honeymoon pictures, looks like you had an amazing time! -Kari"

Our reunion is not until the summer of 2012.  Maybe before then I can send her a new update.  One that will include a baby.  One that lives at home with us, one that I can bring pictures of ;)

27 Dresses...

Weddings, weddings, weddings!  2011 brings a lot of weddings for us to attend!  Here is a quick run down...

January 8th ~ we attended a beautiful winter wedding for the daughter of a close friend and co-worker
May 21st ~  Clint's cousin's wedding
June 18th ~ Clint's brother, the last of the Koch boys to be married!
June 25th ~ Clint's childhood friend, who was Clint's best man in our wedding
July 23rd ~ Another dear friend and co-worker has a daughter getting married
August 20th ~ My cousin
August 27th ~ One of Clint's very best friends

That is all we know of now... you never know there maybe more!  I love weddings, so we are looking forward to sharing these special days with family and frineds. 

Over the last few years I have been in 6 weddings, plus my own.  Out of all of my friends and my sister, I was one of the last ones to get married.  Well for Clint he was the first from his family and out of his group of friends.  So he is in 3 of the above weddings I mentioned...best man in 2 of them.  I get to be in one of those weddings and I am the Matron of honor.  I'm looking forward to walking up the isle with my hubby.  We got to do that in his brother's wedding and it is soooo much more fun that way ;)  By the end of this summer Clint will have me beat, he will have been in 7 weddings, plus his own.

WoW!  Well that leads me to the real reason for this post.  Have you all been in lots of weddings?  What did you do with your bridesmaid dresses?  I still have ALL of them hanging in a closet.  I have thought about selling them several times.  Or taking them to one of those prom dress give away things.  I get all excited about doing it and then something inside of me tells me not to sell them.  What IF I ever want to wear it again.  Yeah, right, I have never needed them again since.  And then there is the, what IF we had a daughter someday thing.  She might love to play dress up in them.  I just don't know!?!?!  So I was curious what y'all have done with your 27 dresses, ha!

Oh, P.S.  today is Day 1, here we go again!  Bring on the pills and the shots.  Our next appointment is scheduled for, yep, Valentine's Day.  SOOO romantic!  I actually left work today I was in sooo much pain from the withdraw bleed, ugh!  After an almost 45 minute drive home, we are in another winter storm and the roads were awful, I spent the afternoon curled up in a ball on the couch with a heating pad.  Well...I'm off to make homemade pizza.  Pizza and beer for supper, hopefully I won't be able to enjoy the latter part of that sentence for too much longer ;)  Good night!

I wish...

So yesterday was another dreaded day at the mailbox.  Usually I LOVE getting unexpected packages.  However, there have been a few these last few months that make my heart just ache.  What was in there? Two free cans of this:

Honest, the only way to describe the feeling is that it makes my heart hurt.  Really bad.  It brings all the grief right to the surface, immediately.  A different kind of reminder that I should have a 2 month old right now.  This physical object sent to me for a baby that is only in my heart.   It makes me feel lonely.  Not only does this just remind be how much I miss our Angel, Nolan, but it reminds me how far away we are from having another baby.  I wish sooo badly that he was here with us.  I also wish sooo badly I was pregnant again.  I wish sooo badly we were not on this infertility journey and that we were doing what sooo many of our friends and family are doing, having a family of our own.

There are lots of other things I wish...
- I wish I were not jealous of anybody I see or know who is pregnant.
- I wish I could be nothing but honestly and completely happy for my loved ones who are pregnant.  I mean,
  I am happy for them, but that happiness does not come with out the jealousy or sadness.
- I wish when I read status updates on FB from friends who are pregnant that my first thought wasn't,
  "You  shouldn't be so positive about your due date, you might loose the baby before then."
- I wish that this anger stage of grieving would go away.
- My husband is the best and gives me everything I could ever need or want.  I wish I could do the same for
  him.
- Sometimes I wish Clint would just get mad at me, the way I am mad at myself for "not working" right.
  He never does, instead when I say things like this he gets all upset and tells me that he doesn't want that if he
  can't have it with me.  See, I told you he is the best.
- I wish I could sit through church with out crying, just once.
- Sometimes I feel angry at God, and I wish I never felt that way.
- I wish I felt complete joy, instead of some sadness, when I see my husband play with our nieces and
  nephews.
- I wish my insurance covered infertility.
- I wish the snow would melt so that I could decorate Nolan's grave with a big heart for Valentine's day.

See I told you I wish a lot of things.  There is more, this list could go on and on.  It felt good to write these things.  Some of them are things I have only told a few people and some of them are things I am embarrassed to tell.  But they are my feelings and they are more real than any feelings I have ever felt.  They are raw and yucky and I hate these feelings.  I know there will never be a day when all of these feelings are gone.  I hope and pray that with time, and hopefully, with another little miracle baby, some of these feelings will go away and the rest will become less intense. 

Oh, so the formula?  I put it in what was going to be Nolan's room.  Along with everything else we had bought for our sweet boy.  It does not expire for quite sometime.  I can only hope that someday we can feed that to Nolan's baby brother or sister.  Maybe getting that in the mail is just a sign of things to come? 

Good night,
Kari

"Some" of My Favorites

I thought I would do a post on some of my most favorite things.  Things that I cannot live with out.  I have many favorite people in my life, but this post will be about my favorite "things".  Oooh, maybe someday I will do a post about my favorite people ;)

#1...yes this MUST be at the top of the list.  For those that know me personally, you probably already know what this will be...

Besides my husband, this is my other true love.  Honest.

 

Next up...

LOVE this, more than any other kind!

I have naturally curly hair.  Which means that when I straighten it, I can also have naturally frizzy hair.  Oh no, not with this...

The name says it all.  Period.

 

Since I posted that, I must also include their hair spray.  These products are amazing, the best part?  You don't even have to get these at the Salon....AND....they are like $5 a piece.

Pretty much amazing ;)

We spend every Wednesday night at 8pm watching this...

I am 5'11", so I have a hard time finding pants that are long enough and fit well.  I love, love, love, their Tall section, especially for work pants!

Love their prices too...and lounge pants of course ;)

If everything goes well, hopefully, I will not be able to enjoy my next favorite thing for too much longer.

I had this for the first time a few months ago.  I should not have waited to long to try it, I am now in love.  In fact I dreamed about it a few nights ago. 

Spicy Crab Roll.  We have a new Sushi place in town.  Best part?  Mondays and Wednesdays everything is half price.  Yep, going for lunch tomorrow ;)

 Well, I could go on and on about other favorite things of mine.  But then that basket of clothes I folded last night would not get put away before I head for bed.  Good night!

Restored Hope

Well, we had our first Dr. appointment with our new Dr. last Friday.  You know we weren't thrilled, to say the least, about seeing a new Dr.  Not lying, my stomach was in knots while we were in the waiting room, I was shaking I was so nervous.  We only had to wait a few minutes.
Once we were in our room, which is designed almost identical to the clinic we were at prior, we both felt much better.  We went over our infertility journey with the medical assistant first.  After she had finished asking me questions she had a few for Clint too.  The last question she asked him was, "Have you ever fathered any children?"  I felt a small lump in my throat.  Poor Hubby though, his eyes immediately turned red and welled up.  I waited a second for him to answer, and he couldn't.  I quickly told the assistant that our first son was stillborn this past August.  Usually if Clint even comes close to crying, I loose it.  I was sooo proud of myself that I was able to answer for him and take the pressure off of him in that moment.
As soon as we met, lets call him Dr. S, we like him.  Easy going, sincere, made jokes, listened to us.  One of the things I was most nervous about is that he would want to do his own work up and testing.  We did not want to waste our time with going through that and we did not want to have to pay for all of that again.  We know what the issue is, we have been pregnant before, and we just want to be pregnant again.  ASAP, we don't want to waste anytime.  To our surprise, Dr. S had reviewed all of my records at length, and we will not need to to ANY testing.  We will do a cycle almost identical to the cycle that I got pregnant with Nolan on.  He did a baseline ultrasound and we left with 3 prescriptions, all but one are the same that Dr. T has used.  The only one that is different is a little bit smaller of a dose that we take for a few days longer.  We both feel confident this Dr. will help us get what we want.  We are so relieved that our first appointment is over and that we are on this road again.  It is an emotional, bumpy, curvy road, but not doing any cycles was even harder! 
We had planned on going out for lunch and to the mall after our appointment.  Well remember in my last post how cold I said it was?  The thought of going in and out of the car was not appealing to either of us that day.  So we got sandwiches at a drive through, ate in the car,  and headed home.  We got home about 2:30, we put on our sweats and cuddled on the couch the rest of the afternoon and evening.  Even better way to spend our time that eating out and shopping ;)
We had a lazy Saturday morning at home too.  Hubby went to his shop to work a little bit and I went to town.  I ran some errands and had pizza with my Mom and Dad for lunch.  Before I headed home I stopped at my parents house.  I still had a few boxes of things that I had moved their after college and had never gotten them yet.  What I found in one of the boxes made me laugh harder than I had in a very long time.
In high school my best friend, still to this day, Ashley and I had a "notebook".  We put everything in this notebook.  We would write each other notes and pass it back and forth.  Well I found that notebook.  I called Ash right away and I was laughing so hard I couldn't even talk.  I read the first few pages but we agreed not to read anymore.  We are meeting for sushi on Wednesday night and we are going to read through the rest of it together!
Saturday night we went to supper with some of our very good friends.  After dinner we had a few drinks at their house before we headed home.  We were lazy again this morning.  Hubby is at his Mom's today helping her with some things and I have cleaned our house from top to bottom.  A pot of homemade vegetable beef soup is on the stove... perfect weekend.
Hope you all had a great weekend to!
Oh, and just because she is sooo sweet, here is a picture of our niece, and god daughter, Madyson.  We call her Maddy.  She was at my MIL's today and I stopped by to see them...

Cute, right?

Kari

Windchill Advisory

I guess I can't complain too much, we live in the upper Midwest and it is January.  But, it is cold.  Very Cold.  Tonight is supposed to be -20...yuck!
This weather was perfect for the day a co-worker and I had planned for the rest of our office, though.  I work in a financial aid office at a private college.  Which means FAFSA season is right around the corner.  We thought that combined with the dreary winter weather, meant we could all use a little sunshine ;) 
We invited everybody to lunch, but they had no idea what the plans were.  We have our own conference room and, well, we turned that into this...

My partner and I decided to add a little flare to the event...

A little bummed you can't see my pink sandals...

Our creative student worker also made flies and ants.  Have you been to a picnic where there aren't any of these little creatures?

Our menu was "summer" a.k.a. grilled cheese burgers, pasta salad, baked beans, chips, and pink lemonade.  Oh and desert was the best part.  We brought in candles and roasted marshmallows for S'mores.  We also made a little "bean bag" game to play while our burgers were grillin!

Wish all work days could be that much fun.  Well, like I said it is FREEZING out, so I'm going to go cuddle on the couch with my hubby and my puppy! 

~Kari

P.S.  Tomorrow we have our first appointment with our new Dr.  All sorts a feelings going through my head right now.  Another good reason to go cuddle with my 2 favorites ;)