Tiny, Precious, Little Feet

I'm missing this little guy like crazy.  Oh how I wish things would have been different.  How can I miss somebody so much, that I never knew?  Honestly, I feel like my life will never be complete.  Even someday when we have another baby, there will always be somebody missing.

I look at his feet, they are sooo perfect, everything about him was perfect.  He was growing just as he should, he measured just as he should.  So why did his cord have to twist?  It twisted so tightly it basically cut off all of his oxygen supply.  Our Dr. who has delivered 10,000 + babies had only see this happen a handful of times.  Why him?  Why do we have to struggle with infertility?  Why did we have to spend $8,000 to become pregnant?  Why did I have to be in labor for 22 hours to deliever an angel?  Why does it seem like everybody around us has a baby(s) but we have to go to the cemetary to visit ours?  Why do we still have to struggle with infertility?  These are just a few things I can't seem to quit thinking about.

Our new Dr. told us we could test tomorrow... I don't think I am ready.  Weird?!?!  I just don't want to.  I was all excited earlier tonight but I just want to wait a few more days.  In past cycles we have always been told to wait 2 1/2 weeks after our trigger shot, well tomorrow is only 2 weeks.  I just am scared to death to see that "Not Pregnant" sign staring me in the face.  I don't really have any symptoms and I just don't have that feeling.

How much longer do we have to be on this journey?  Is there a reason why we are going through all of this?  I know there are no answers to all of these questions, but they eat at me all the time.  It feels good to type them instead of just thinking about them.

Sometimes I listen to this song.  My sister helped me pick it out for Nolan's funeral.  Sometimes it makes me sad to hear it and other times it brings me a little bit of piece.  As soon as I hear the music and can picture everything from that day.  I can feel the quiet breeze and few little raindrops that fell.  I can see his tiny casket with a blue cross and roses.  I can see the blue and yellow daisys next to his casket.  I can see the blue balloons our friends and family released.... I feel close to my little Nolan.  It is a perfect song, truer than true.