It's day 11 of our first cycle with our new Dr. Had my first shot today. Another one tomorrow, then Saturday, and Sunday too. Gosh, this infertility stuff is fun:( Then back for another ultrasound on Valentine's Day. What a way to spend Valentine's day. Ya know, I never, ever dreamed that I would be spending my Valentine's Day with my husband at a fertility clinic.
I thought I was going to have 2 valentine's this year. I guess I do, just one is in Heaven.
Anyway...I am, emotionally, at the same spot I am every cycle. I always tell myself not to get my hopes up. But honestly, how can you not?! I mean it consumes EVERY part of your life. I am constantly counting my days, taking meds, getting shots, hell my Dr. even tells me when I can and cannot have sex with my husband. Damn it! Too personal? Sorry. There is no stopping it, I get my hopes up.
Then I get scared and nervous about what is going to happen if/when I find out I am not pregnant. That let down was awful before I lost, Nolan. But now, finding out is a whole different story. It brings all my grief right to the surface. Not that it is all too far away from the surface anyway. I just can't stand this?!?!?! I HATE INFERTILITY. I can't even explain the emotional stress and anger it causes. I guess maybe it is okay to get my hopes up? Think positive, right? I just wish I could fast forward to 3 weeks from now. By then I should know if this cycle worked. Ugh. Prayers, please and thank you!
For those of you that read my sis's blog, you know that she is expecting her 2nd child in July. Being and auntie to her first child, this little cutie, is serioulsy one of the best parts my life...
I cannot wait to meet my new little niece or nephew. I cannot imagine what it will be like to love another little one as much as I love, Kirsten. My sister, is also one of the best parts of my life;) I think it is really hard for other people to understand infertility and the emotions it causes...by that I mean people who have not been through it. Well, my sis does a pretty good job of understanding it and supporting me. I take that back, she does a very good job. I love that I can tell her my feelings even when they are icky ones and she respects that. She knows that I am unbelievably happy for her. She also knows I wish I was HALF has fertile has her, hehe! But she also knows I am jealous of her to. Jealousy is a hard feeling, it is an awful feeling. It makes me feel like a bad person. I know it is just a natural feeling after everything I have been through, but none the less I hate feeling like that. She has told me before that it is hard for her to not feel guilty for being pregnant. I hate that my life and my troubles take away some of the happiness from the most important things in her life. But I also appreciate the fact that she knows how lucky she is. I hate that because I lost, Nolan, the fear of that is more real to Erica that it would have been otherwise. I love how much she loved her little, nephew. I hate that other people had to grieve his loss but it meant the world to me too see how much it did hurt them. That sounded bad, you know what I meant.
I cannot wait to for my sister to be an aunt to my future children, she'll be the best. And, her sweet kiddos and mine will be best friends, they have NO choice. Tomorrow is the day she will find out if K will have a baby brother or sister. I know, no matter what, I will be in love with that baby. But I am nervous about that, too. And she knows that. What if it is a boy. What if it is a boy and it looks like her? I look like her, would that be what Nolan looked like? I want to go shopping and spoil this baby before they even come. But, it is so hard for me to shop for baby/kid stuff. It makes me all stiff and sick feeling. What if it is a boy, how will I shop?!?!? I mean how will I shop with out loosing it completely?
So these are a few of the reasons why my heart is nervous and achy right now. To cope... I am eating Doritos and drinking Moscato while I type this. Weird combo, but yum. When I just looked up at my title to this post, I thought about changing it. It reminds me of "My Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus. But since my sister used to be in lllooovvveee with him, honestly, and since she is in this post, I figured it was only appropriate to leave it;)
Love,
Kari
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