Still Waiting on 2 Pink Lines

Well, I did it.  I bought another box of pregnancy tests last Thursday after work.  I was still in no hurry to test, but I had to go to the store and I didn't know if I would be back again before the weekend.  I got home and put everything away, made supper, got a bunch of stuff done at home.  Never thinking about the box of tests. 

Until, it was time to go to bed.  I was brushing my teeth and washing my face and that cupboard where the box was just kept catching my attention.  So I tested.  Hubby was in the living room watching TV and I didn't even tell him I was going to test.  SO not like me.  We ALWAYS do it together, he ALWAYS reads the result to me.  I think he feels like he can protect me if he tells me. 

After I did it I was soooo scared to look at the results.  I switched a load of laundry and got a glass of water.  Then I went back in and looked.  I already knew what it was going to say.  It said the same thing it always says, not pregnant.  I calmly, yes calmly, took it out and showed Clint.  First he couldn't believe I had done it secretly.  Next he says, you okay, Babe?  Please don't worry, things will work out.  Nolan will help us.

I didn't even cry, I'm not sad about it.  I am mad.  There are 2 things that immediately pop into my head every time I take a negative test.  First I get very angry that I was pregnant with a beautiful, healthy, baby boy and that I had to loose him at 24 weeks, we were over half way there!!!  Second I just get mad that this is soooo hard for me and that it is soooo easy for everybody else.  I know not everybody, but it seams like it on days like that.  When is it my turn?  When will I get to bring a baby home.  When will I get to give my husband the most precious gift that he too wants soooo bad. 

I try and remember how blessed I really am.  I have the best husband in the entire world, we are happy, really happy together.  We both have great jobs.  We have tons of friends, and we both have wonderful families.  We have the most adorable, love bug, of a puppy - who makes us laugh everyday.  Our lives are full of many blessings.  We know that.  But there is that little piece that is missing.  Going through infertility controls your life.  Counting your days, taking meds, getting ultrasounds, giving injections, more ultrasounds, timing sex, then waiting on those 2 pink lines.  It makes it really easy to constantly remember that little piece that is missing.

I still haven't started my period, when I do we will call our Dr.  It will be Day 1 of another cycle.  Another attempt at getting what we want...maybe next time there will be 2 pink lines ;)

Love,
Kari