I'm back!

I have been MIA from my blog lately...sorry!  I LOVE to blog/vent (I see them as one in the same sometimes) about my infertility.  It is a place where I can write my feelings and not worry about upsetting anybody or offending someone.  I can come here and write about what I need to but am not ready to share with friends and family.  Well, this cycle has been different for me.  Emotionally I feel GREAT!  I think I know why...

When we first started out on our infertility journey I didn't want to tell anybody, except those closest to me.  I'm not sure why, but I just didn't want other people to know that I was having trouble getting pregnant.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, scared, and lots and lots of other hormonal things ;)  I remember when Clint told me that he had shared our struggles with one of his best friends.  I was soooo mad at Clint, so mad.  BUT, just like I needed to tell my mom, my sister, my cousin, and my best friend, he needed to also. 

Eventually I shared it with my co-workers.  I was going to sooo many appointments sooo frequently that they were worried about me.  They have been so supportive, and so flexible with me.  I am blessed to work with such amazing people.  At that point in our journey I was frustrated and ready to see a different Dr.  That is when a co-worker of mine told me that one of her friends, daughter went through something similar and now has 2 children.  She asked me if I wanted her to mention this to Mary and see where her daughter had gone.  I immediately said YES!!!  That is how I found our miracle Dr.  2 cycles with him and I was pregnant with Nolan.  I realized, had I not shared my struggles I would have never opened that door to find him.  Had, Beth, Mary's daughter not been willing to share her story with me things would have been sooo different.  I honestly don't know where we would be at today.

After of that I became much more open about everything I was going through.  I loved talking about it with people, asking questions, and sharing stories.  Once I became pregnant, I wanted to talk about it even more.  I was proof to other people that miracles are possible. 

So last cycle, well actually 2 cycles ago, I just finished another cycle and I am in the middle of the 2 week waiting period...eek....  Anyways, last cycle I continued to share where I was at how things were going with more than just my closest family and friends.  I was such a wreck the entire cycle.  I mean I have NEVER been that way, EVER!  While I was doing all the shots and counting everything, I was beyond upset, I was at my true bottom.  I don't know that I had ever been where I was at before.  Even right after I lost, Nolan.  However, I know I am not done grieving, and honestly I think when I am mid cycle most of my pain and anger is grief combined with the frustration.

I would be having an okay day and then somebody at work would ask if I had to have a shot today or how much longer til I knew if it worked, I would loose it.  I would sit at my desk and fight back tears and try to hold in all in.  I couldn't handle other people bringing the subject up to me.  So I have been handling this cycle much differently.  I have not shared really anything about where I am at with anybody except my closest family.  No friends, no coworkers, not anybody.  And I feel AMAZING!!!!!!  I know everybody only asks because they care about me and they want exactly what I want.  But for my sanity not talking about it all of the time and focusing on other things when I don't have to focus on infertility, has been emotional medicine. 

I have not broken down once during this cycle.  I gave my self injections for 9 days in a row, and I did it like a champ!  I didn't get all nervous and emotional in the car on our way to appointments, Clint and I enjoyed the time together and made the best of it.  Just for the record my uterine lining last month was 6 this month it is 9!!!!!! They like it to be at least 8.  Last cycle I had one follicle that was 18 this month I had 3 (18, 21, 22) they like them to be at least 18!!!!  I don't really have any gut feelings if it worked yet or not.  April 7th, testing day, will be here before we know it.  Prayers welcome!!!

Glad to be back at blogging!!!