I wish...

So yesterday was another dreaded day at the mailbox.  Usually I LOVE getting unexpected packages.  However, there have been a few these last few months that make my heart just ache.  What was in there? Two free cans of this:

Honest, the only way to describe the feeling is that it makes my heart hurt.  Really bad.  It brings all the grief right to the surface, immediately.  A different kind of reminder that I should have a 2 month old right now.  This physical object sent to me for a baby that is only in my heart.   It makes me feel lonely.  Not only does this just remind be how much I miss our Angel, Nolan, but it reminds me how far away we are from having another baby.  I wish sooo badly that he was here with us.  I also wish sooo badly I was pregnant again.  I wish sooo badly we were not on this infertility journey and that we were doing what sooo many of our friends and family are doing, having a family of our own.

There are lots of other things I wish...
- I wish I were not jealous of anybody I see or know who is pregnant.
- I wish I could be nothing but honestly and completely happy for my loved ones who are pregnant.  I mean,
  I am happy for them, but that happiness does not come with out the jealousy or sadness.
- I wish when I read status updates on FB from friends who are pregnant that my first thought wasn't,
  "You  shouldn't be so positive about your due date, you might loose the baby before then."
- I wish that this anger stage of grieving would go away.
- My husband is the best and gives me everything I could ever need or want.  I wish I could do the same for
  him.
- Sometimes I wish Clint would just get mad at me, the way I am mad at myself for "not working" right.
  He never does, instead when I say things like this he gets all upset and tells me that he doesn't want that if he
  can't have it with me.  See, I told you he is the best.
- I wish I could sit through church with out crying, just once.
- Sometimes I feel angry at God, and I wish I never felt that way.
- I wish I felt complete joy, instead of some sadness, when I see my husband play with our nieces and
  nephews.
- I wish my insurance covered infertility.
- I wish the snow would melt so that I could decorate Nolan's grave with a big heart for Valentine's day.

See I told you I wish a lot of things.  There is more, this list could go on and on.  It felt good to write these things.  Some of them are things I have only told a few people and some of them are things I am embarrassed to tell.  But they are my feelings and they are more real than any feelings I have ever felt.  They are raw and yucky and I hate these feelings.  I know there will never be a day when all of these feelings are gone.  I hope and pray that with time, and hopefully, with another little miracle baby, some of these feelings will go away and the rest will become less intense. 

Oh, so the formula?  I put it in what was going to be Nolan's room.  Along with everything else we had bought for our sweet boy.  It does not expire for quite sometime.  I can only hope that someday we can feed that to Nolan's baby brother or sister.  Maybe getting that in the mail is just a sign of things to come? 

Good night,
Kari